Friday, January 11, 2013

Angry

I am so angry.
I try to live my life in a normal way without the anger showing through, but I fail every day.

I went to 2 different stores on Wednesday.  After 40 minutes of waiting at each, I was not helped, though many people who arrived after me were.  I have trouble commanding respect.  People just don't want to take me seriously.  Maybe it is because I am 5 feet tall.  Maybe it is my higher pitched voice.  Maybe it is my weight.  I just know it is hard.

I found out that in the athletic draft I was recently enrolled in, I was (yet again) chosen last for the team.  I think this may be because I am a little bit older (37) and a little overweight.  I can't come up for a reason why I get such terrible rankings.  I have played on teams that have come in first place.  I show up to almost all of the games.  I have played savage for entire games because I am the only girl there from our team.  These things seem like they should count for something, but they don't.  I saw this article on MSN yesterday: Male jurors inclined to think overweight women are guilty.
Apparently, even in a study overweight women are seen by males as being guilty without even hearing testimony.  There is a stigma in society.  I must be lazy, I must eat entire boxes of oreos every night.  I must never exercise.  I am a bad person because I am fat (or so says society).  They just can't give me the benefit of the doubt.

The big kicker is this whole infertility thing.  I am so angry.  It colors my world.  I can't go to a store without seeing a big pregnant woman with another child in tow.  I can't watch TV without seeing it.  Mike and Molly struggle but I know they will conceive before I do.  Kim Kardashian is pregnant and she's not even divorced from her soon-to-be (?) ex.  I can't go on facebook without seeing someone else posting about their new pregnancy.  I go to baby showers and smile, while thinking the whole time that it will never be me.  Maybe it's just not meant to be, but why put these feelings of desire to be a parent into someone that just can't?

I saw an article yesterday that talked about increasing infertility worldwide due to the population increases.  Link to the article here:  About that overpopulation proble
Maybe I am suffering from this.  I don't know.  I just know it sucks.

So, I am angry.  If I look angry, it's because I am.  I am probably not angry at you.  I am angry at life and fate and myself.  I'm working on it.